Luna and I met a few years ago on a non-mainstream social media site and we clicked right away. I noticed pretty early that she loved to use the word “bogan” in conversation anytime she was making fun of someone. I had never hear the word used before, so I eventually I asked her, “Dude! What’s a bogan?” (not an exact quote).
After she explained that bogans are some of the drunkest, trashiest, loudest, most obnoxious people on her street, it dawned on me:
America has bogans, lots of them
Does America have bogans? Yes! The United States of America is full of bogans. Just look around the United States a little more closely, and you’ll see them. Let’s start with the most obvious example of bogans in America and look at our favorite national punching-bag.
What is America’s most bogan state?
Florida is, by far, America’s most bogan state
Come on, seriously. Florida gave us Florida Man (Google Search), the purest example of an American bogan that the United States has ever produced!
What is New England’s most bogan state?
Live free or die with New Hampshire bogans
Here in just my corner of the United States, I can confidently say that New Hampshire is New England’s most bogan state. Go to a map, and draw a line from York, Maine to Concord, NH, and then over to Brattleboro, VT.
Anything south of that line, especially where New Hampshire is concerned, is what we Massholes refer to as “Northern Massachusetts,” and it’s full of bogans and things bogans love (Liquor stores, fireworks, guns, and
meth a bunch of other things).
The Rt 101 corridor to the NH Seacoast is especially bogan. For example:
- Look anywhere around Manchester, NH and what do you see? Bogans.
- The main strip of Hampton Beach, NH during the summer? Bogans. Bogans, everywhere.
- Salem and Plaistow, NH are twin bogan towns. There’s definitely something in Salem’s water supply…
Where else can can you find bogans in America?
Jesus Christ, Kentucky!
A headline from NBC Station Lex18/WNKY says it all: “‘Redneck Rave’ at Kentucky park ends with 48 people charged, throat slashing, and an impalement”
According to reports, a “redneck rave” near Mammoth Cave in Kentucky went about as well as anyone would have expected. According to a sheriff, dozens of bogans were arrested on a variety of charges. Injuries included broken bones, dislocated and severed fingers, lacerations, and over 60 traffic related offenses. Some of the charges included drug and alcohol possession and assault. A woman was possibly choked in a fight that involved a blanket. Another bogan may have had his throat slashed and another was accidentally impaled by a log.
The most bogan part of this “redneck rave” is that the organizer, a country rapper named Justin Stowers, who goes by the stage of “Justin Time,” is reportedly planning to throw another event at the same venue, Blue Holler OffRoad Park in Edmonson County, KY in October, later this year.
After making some improvements, of course…
Uhhh…have you been to Walmart, lately?
I mean, come on! Going to Walmart at any time of day, in any state in America, is like going into the bogan’s natural habitat.
National Geographic People of Walmart has unknowingly been doing God’s work by documenting America’s bogans for years.
America is governed by bogans
Finally, and long as you have not been asleep over the last thirty years or so, it should be obvious that our American system of government unfortunately tends to reward the most obnoxious, loudest, and uninformed citizens with status, notoriety, and power. In a recent example, The Republican Party saw an opportunity to appropriate the energized grassroots political base of voters that comprised the Tea Party movement that began in 2009. The Tea Party originally tried to avoid traditional conservative social issues, as they were considered “divisive” and, instead, preferred to focus on economic and issues concerning limited-government.
Tea Party activist efforts successfully platformed the most bogan vice-presidential candidate I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Tea Party aligned voters in Texas sent a bogan Blue Meanie to the United States Senate who turned out to be nothing but a craven sycophant to the bogan that insulted his wife, a failed presidential candidate, and a poster-boy for America’s Bogan Father of the Year.
And then in 2016, as a result of the Tea Party’s efforts, somehow enough bogans in the United States of America got together in order to elect the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious bogan of them all to The Office of the President of the United States.
As a result, Q-Morons and their racist, white-nationalist, extremist, and utterly bogan candidates made the Tea Party look like a kid’s tea party while they desperately waited for a “Storm” that never came, and never will.
I guess “The Storm” is just America’s third Great Disappointment, after that idiot’s Inauguration Day.