Luna and I met a few years ago on a kink-oriented social media site and we clicked right away. I noticed pretty early that she loved to use the word “bogan” in conversation anytime she was making fun of someone.
I had never head the word used before, so I eventually asked her, “Dude! What’s a bogan?” (not an exact quote).
After Luna explained that bogans are some of Australia’s drunkest, trashiest, loudest, most obnoxious people and that a bunch of them live on her street, it dawned on me: America has bogans, lots of them
Where are America’s Bogans?
You’d think bogans are limited to existing in just Australia and New Zealand, but that is not true at all. Just look around the United States a little more closely, and you’ll see them. Let’s start with the most obvious example of bogans in America and look at our favorite national punching-bag.
Florida is, by far, America’s most bogan state.
Come on, seriously. Florida gave us Florida Man (Google Search), the finest example of an American bogan that the United States of America has ever produced!
Live free or die with New Hampshire’s bogans.
Here in just my corner of the United States, I can confidently say that New Hampshire is New England’s most bogan state. Go to a map, and draw a line from York, Maine to Concord, NH, and then over to Brattleboro, VT. Anything south of that line, especially where New Hampshire is concerned, is what we Massholes refer to as “Northern Massachusetts,” and it’s full of bogans and things bogans love (Liquor stores, fireworks, guns, and meth among a lot of other things).
The Rt 101 corridor to the NH Seacoast is especially bogan.
For example:
- Look anywhere around Manchester, NH and what do you see? Bogans.
- The main strip of Hampton Beach, NH during the summer? Bogans. Bogans, everywhere.
- Salem and Plaistow, NH are twin bogan towns. There’s definitely something in Salem’s water supply…
Where else can can you find bogans in America?
Jesus Christ, Kentucky!
A headline from NBC Station Lex18/WNKY says it all: “‘Redneck Rave’ at Kentucky park ends with 48 people charged, throat slashing, and an impalement”
According to reports, a “redneck rave” near Mammoth Cave in Kentucky went about as well as anyone would have expected. According to a sheriff, dozens of bogans were arrested on a variety of charges. Injuries included broken bones, dislocated and severed fingers, lacerations, and over 60 traffic related offenses. Some of the charges included drug and alcohol possession and assault. A woman was possibly choked in a fight that involved a blanket. Another bogan may have had his throat slashed and another was accidentally impaled by a log.
“The first vehicle that came through, we found meth, marijuana, and an open alcohol container … And then one of the occupants had two active warrants … We were like ‘well, this doesn’t bode well for the weekend.’”
Sheriff Shane Doyle, Edmonson County, Kentucky
The most bogan part of this “redneck rave” is that the organizer, a country rapper named Justin Stowers, who goes by the stage of “Justin Time,” is reportedly planning to throw another event at the same venue, Blue Holler OffRoad Park in Edmonson County, KY in October, later this year.
After making some improvements, of course.
Uhhh…have you been to Walmart, lately?
I mean, come on! Going to Walmart at any time of day, in any state in America, is like going into the bogan’s natural habitat. National Geographic People of Walmart has unknowingly been doing God’s work by documenting America’s bogans for years.
America is governed by bogans
Finally, and long as you have not been asleep over the last thirty years or so, it should be obvious that our American system of government unfortunately tends to reward the most obnoxious, loudest, and uninformed citizens with status, notoriety, and power. In a recent example, The Republican Party saw an opportunity to appropriate the energized grassroots political base of voters that comprised the Tea Party movement that began in 2009. The Tea Party originally tried to avoid traditional conservative social issues, as they were considered “divisive” and, instead, preferred to focus on economic and issues concerning limited-government.
Tea Party activist efforts successfully platformed the most bogan vice-presidential candidate I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Tea Party aligned voters in Texas sent a bogan Blue Meanie to the United States Senate who turned out to be nothing but a craven sycophant to the bogan that insulted his wife, a failed presidential candidate, and a poster-boy for America’s Bogan Father of the Year.
And then in 2016, as a result of the Tea Party’s efforts, somehow enough bogans in the United States of America got together in order to elect the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious bogan of them all to The Office of the President of the United States.
The more that bogan rat tweeted, the more support he gave to the most fringe elements in American society. As a result, Q-Morons and their racist, white-nationalist, extremist, and utterly bogan candidates made the Tea Party look like a kid’s tea party while they desperately waited for a “Storm” that never came, and never will.
I guess “The Storm” is just America’s third Great Disappointment, after that idiot’s Inauguration Day.